A Warrenpoint experience

Ok here goes, my name is Gareth and I’m 19 years old and I live in Warrenpoint, a small town which isn’t exactly full of gay men for me to interact with. I’m writing this because I’ve found that reading other peoples stories has really helped me to feel a sense of belonging for the first time in my life, so it’s only fair that I do the same if only to help one person decide that they’re not completely alone.

I came to terms with the fact that I was gay quite a few years ago but growing up in a town with no visible gays and having a deeply homophobic ignorant father has stopped me even considering telling anyone until quite recently. I have a lot of good friends and we all went to secondary school together which I got through relatively unharmed because of my ability to blend in with my straight mates. But of course all the time my attraction to other males was getting stronger. I even had a couple of girlfriends, one of them was arguably one of the best looking girls in the school and there were quite a few jealous males, which just made it worse for me. Of course I was too scared to progress into much of a relationship with her and consequently fucked the whole thing up leaving a lot of people wondering what the hell was wrong with me, if only I could have told them, instead I ended up looking like a sad case who couldn’t keep a girlfriend for more than two weeks!

Anyway GCSEs came to an end and A levels meant going to a new college. College didn’t go as well as it should have because I think all the time I was feeling more and more socially separated, I often got depressed and spent a lot of time in my room. My attendance at college was affected leaving the teachers thinking I couldn’t give a shit. I’m angry that I couldn’t tell them I had serious problems coping with my life, but the prospect of coming out still seemed completely un viable.

Whilst I was at college I started a part time job and found out at the interview that my manager was gay, because it was completely obvious. Your probably thinking that I’ve confided in him since I started work there a year and a half ago but your wrong. He’s not the really inspiring gay man that I’ve been waiting to meet all my life, instead he helped reinforce all of the typical stereotypes of a gay man that I’ve grown sick of hearing. I don’t hate him because of this but I don’t want to tell him I’m gay because I’m afraid he will treat it as a game, I can’t be sure though.

I left college over 2 years ago with ok A levels despite my difficult time in college but never applied to university because I was still trying to get to grips with myself and never felt stable enough to make any real decisions about my life.

I’ve changed inside over the past year, and now feel more sure of who and what I am. Various things helped me to accomplish this including the growing amount of television programs reflecting real gay life (at last), the Internet with sites like this one and a realisation that more and more people are excepting homosexuality as an acceptable (sort of) way of life.
About 3 weeks ago I dreamt that my mum knew I was gay (also that I kissed a gorgeous bloke) and the next day to my amazement I told her I was gay!! It was that quick,without me thinking or preparing an intro,the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do, I actually forced her to say it to me because I couldn’t physically say “mum, I’m gay” no matter how much I tried. Up until a week ago I was in two minds if I had done the right thing because it devastated her quite badly. She’s not homophobic, I just think she’s so worried about how it will affect my life and the family. My family up until now has been sickeningly normal with all my cousins just finding girlfriends and getting married etc. But I’m different, ha, it really makes me laugh, their faces when they find out, shock won’t begin to describe it. Of course it’s my mum I feel sorry for because she can’t even turn to my dad because of his ignorance, I really don’t care what he thinks of me but she does.

Then a week later I went to a party with my mate and his girlfriend and I met a couple of her gay mates, one was weird but the other one I was instantly attracted to. He seemed so confident with himself and was really sexy as well! Occasionally I saw a hint of loneliness in his eyes, that I recognised from my own eyes, I really wanted to grab him and help him, and kiss him as well but I couldn’t because I’m still sat there being straight. It makes me so angry. I can’t stop thinking about him, I just want to talk with him for hours about his life. I need to be close to someone.

Anyway, like I said things are looking up because I have much more confidence now. I’ve applied to uni at last and will be going later this year which I’m really looking forward to now. Obviously I plan to lead a completely out, gay life at uni and really enjoy myself. If anyone doesn’t want to know me because I’m gay that’s their problem, but I’m confident I’ll make a lot of friends anyway because I always do.

That leaves me with the small task of telling my friends at home in the meantime. I can’t predict how they will all react but I think most of them will except it because they are such good friends. And if any of them ever end up reading this, I never want to lose any of you, you know who you are.

Last I’ll just say that I will probably and up meeting that guy again quite soon and I’ll probably end up just jumping on him in front of everyone, f**k the consequences, why shouldn’t I?
I really hope this makes it on to the web site and that it might inspire someone else to have confidence in themselves and what they are. Remember, we’re only on this planet for a short time and we deserve to enjoy our lives as much as anyone. Feel free to e-mail me anytime if you need a friend, because you not alone. Love Gareth xx

email: humdinger05@fsmail.net

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6 Responses to “A Warrenpoint experience”

  1. Brendan says:

    Well thank God someone else in Warrenpoint is attracted to men. Yeah Brendan here im 16 bisexual and proud more physically attracted to men though. lol. Good for you coming out. I know it was hard. Fortunately for me everyone was happy with me being bi which made the whole thing a lot easier. Well i hope you get the man that youve been dying to jump on. You dont know me but i know who you are ive seen you around/ You seem cool and have nice friends so dont worry things can only get better. As for me im a hopless romantic and cant find anyone (guy or girl) to fall for. Good luck from you felow warrenpointein.lol

  2. Mark says:

    Gareth – I tried to send you an email, but your address does not work! Perhaps you sound pop me a note. spurslad2006@aol.com thanks, mark x

  3. Mark says:

    i meant to say, could pop me a note, not sound pop me a note !! x

  4. marty the gay rampent says:

    awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

  5. Paddy says:

    I tried contacting Gareth but his e-mail is not working. I also tried contacting Mark, in case Gareth had contacted him but Mark’s e-mail is also not working! On the off chance Gareth comes across this blog again, I’d love to speak with you. Perhaps you could e-mail me: paddy-campbell@hotmail.com or if anyone else would like to chat, feel free to get in touch, thanks!

    Paddy x

  6. Hi Folks this was written in 2005 now so chances are the email has been changed.

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