Are you married yet? –

A very common question it seems, but from a gay perspective a very loaded question as well. Over the years I have been asked this many times. In fact this old chestnut still regularly haunts me being a ‘victim’ as I am of the love that dare not speak it’s name! Mind you if they were expecting a completely honest answer I’m afraid they all would be very disappointed!

Coming from a gay perspective how are you supposed to answer it? Maybe the shock tactic “No I’m gay actually, did you not know!” or “I’d love to but gay people actually can’t get married yet!”. More often than not though most people wouldn’t be confident enough (or unwise enough) to give such replies and it would be more like “I’m happy enough the way I am thanks” or the attempted wit of “just because you’re miserable doesn’t mean I have to be as well”. “I’m not the marrying kind” should get the message across but doesn’t always and sometimes just ending up agreeing with the questioner that you “haven’t found miss/mr right just yet” gets past the embarrassment.

The very essence of the question and of other similar ones however throw-away or well meaning suggests there isn’t another alternative to girl/boy relationships and certainly makes it difficult to be completely honest. After all by asking the question they are already assuming that you couldn’t possibly be gay.

It is probably a reflection on our society in general that anyone of a certain age who doesn’t have a wife or husband, or live together with their partner (of opposite sex of course) must be at least looking for that ideal. This is changing slowly as more young people are realising that not everything is black and white and that there is a wide variety of lifestyles and even nationalities with their own unique customs out there. It certainly is about time!

As many people have said perception can be more important than reality. While answering questions with a little white lie may be minor, the fact is that it does give us an insight into how much further we have to travel before gay people are seen not as the subject of jokes and jibes or as people from another part of the world, certainly not Newry but quite possibly our daughters, sons, brothers, sisters or best friends.

email: nrc@gaynewry.com or visit www.gaynewry.com